WTF

I love him. I do. But, I'm soooo afraid! Afraid of the past and of the future. Will the past become the future? If not, what will the future be? Its terrifying eitehr way. Do I tell him that's why I've been a bitch the last couple of days? Do I try to explain that I'm afraid of him leaving me? Do I show all of my insecurities and vulneralbilities (I know that's spelled wrong)?

I've tried to tell him that I'm crazy....he didn't believe me. Yesterday I wanted to call my sister. She's been dead for 10 years. That was probably part of my bitchy mood.

His exgirlfriend called him. Is he going to call her back? Does he miss her? Does he wish he were still with her? Do I have the right to ask him these things?

She moved and I don't know how to be normal without her telling me how to do things. I don't know how to deal with problems without her walking me through them. I don't know how not to lose my mind without her telling me it'll be ok. How am I supposed to get through this without her? Maybe it's time to grow the fuck up.

Rerun

Girl meets boy...boy likes girl...girl likes boy...boy asks girl out...girl says yes...girl starts to fall for boy...boy blows off girl.

Big surprise.

Big Surprise

I am a whore.

Normal

I'm just like any girl you know......just someone who wants to be loved. My story isn't different from anyone else's. No sadder, no more disappointing; just the same as every other girl you know.

I just want someone to look at me and say, "This is the woman I can't live without. This is the woman I want to grow old with. This is the one who touches me like no other." What's so wrong abut that? What's so wrong with wanting to share things with someone? Love, a home, children, struggles and joys.

They all say I'm the sweetest person they know. They sya they love how I take care of people who are close to me. But they never want to be the one I take care of. They don't want to be the one I love and share with.

So, what can I do but assume that they are lying? That they really don't care one way or the other. I try. I try to be normal. I try to do things right but sometimes I mess up. Should one mistake be the reason for a destroyed life. I know you think that's dramatic. That I'm exaggerating......but it really does feel as though my life has been destroyed by people I chose to love.

One ex tells me he wouldn't help me out with some recreational substances b/c he didn't want to be the reason I went down. Well, why wans't he thinking of that when he was screwing everyone but me? I love you. I really do. Then, 2 weeks later he's dumping me for some other whore. So, of course he was lying that day on my porch when he professed to need me, to love me, to be with me forever. But not even a year later I'm the most amazing person he knows? How does that work?

Why do I even bother? Because I

Deja vu

There I am in the store debating whether or not to rent "The Ghost of Girlfriends Past" when who do I see but a boyfriend of my past. There he is all tall and handsome and charming as always. He flashes me that smile that always melted me and I hate myself. This man played with me like no one else and my knees still go weak when he turns on that 1000 watt smile.

Is this the fiance who dumped me, you ask? Nope, someone else; sad isn't it? But, hey, the sex was great so what's the harm in a little fun? We'll see what happens.

All of my past boyfriends have hurt me but all in different ways. This one....we'll call him B....strung me along while he was also seeing one or two otehr people. I finally got wise and dumped him. He floundered only for a minute and then found someone to replace me...it really didn't take that long. And it hurt like hell. I didn't love him, but it would have been so easy too. He really is an asshole and I don't feel sorry for the horrible predictament he's in now, but it was good to see him. And damn, he is handsome! I think he's seeing someone right now, but since he has no morals, it shouldn't be hard to get him to go out with me tonight for a little remembering.

And so goes the dessent back into my old bad habits. Flitting from one guy to another and then back again.....strings of one night stands....flirting with drugs....having fun and then hating myself. It's a vicisous cycle that goes round and round until I find someone to stop me. No wonder I never have healthy relationships. But, hey, that's the life of a crazy person, right? Besides I need some excitement in my life. I am waaaay too boring, when I know that I can be oh so cool!

As he's telling me all about his recent troubles i tilt my head and say, "You don't really expect me to feel sorry for you....do you?" His respose? A kiss on the cheek that a little too close to the mouth and says, "You know I love you." Tonight should be fun!

Crazy

I do believe I'm losing my mind. Social situations send me into anxiety attacks. Friends wanting to hang out scares me more than I can explain. What's wrong with me?

I was normal...for the first time in my life I was as normal as anyone can be but he ruined all of that.

I don't even know what to think. There are so many thoughts running through my head that I can't discern a single one. Then, at times my mind is completely blank and I cant form a coherent thought. What's wrong with me?

God, just let it be over. I'm not much for reading the Bible anymore, but I do remember one passage; it talks about the the Spirit understanding the heart even when words can't express the pain. That's what I fee like most days; I'm in so much pain that I can't even describe it. I can't talk about it. I can't let it out. If I do, it may never end. Someone told me I wasn't Superman, that of course it hurt and I could show it, I could cry. But, she doesn't understand that I can't. She doesn't know what it will do to me. I'm so afraid.

Out

I WANT OUT...........

Out of this house
Out of this life
Out of this job
Out of this state
Out of this family
Out of this depression
................................

Out of myself

Drowning

Rain, rain on my face

It hasnt stopped raining for days

My world is a flood

Slowly I become one with the mud

...........



Downpour on my soul

Splashing in the ocean,

Im losing control

Dark sky all around

I cant feel my feet touching the ground



This is how I feel.....like I'm drowning. His new girlfriend is pregnant. They're getting married. He's living my life with someone else. Here I am incapable of being with someone else b/c I was truely ready to live the rest of my life with him. Obviously he didn't feel the same as I did. How could he feel as strongly as he proclaimed and be getting ready to marry someone else?



Was our whole time together a lie? Did he ever mean any of it? I must look like such a fool. Does he ever think about me? Does he miss me? Does he wish we were still together? God, I'm such an idiot.

All in the Family

Once there was a family who captivated me. They forgave EVERYTHING. Betrayal, theft, lies, abuse of every kind. They always forgave and I was entranced by their abnormal normalness. They were so accepting of everyone but me. Because I was not part of them, they could not (would not) forgive me my weaknesses. I wanted so badly to be a part of them.
I tried so hard to become part of them, but every oppurtunity just left me looking more and more like a joke.

I dated their son. He was a crisis and I embraced him; and he didn't want me.

Then, there was a cousin. I loved him completely but he threw my love back in my face. My love for him was urgent and unrelenting. I gave him all. I was ready to give up the most important part of myself and still he didn't want me. I was ready to give up my whole life for him. What did he do? He threw it all in my face; he didn't want me.

Thern there was the brother. But he only saw me as a game. Someone to conqueor. He was upset that I had been with his family. He wanted to prove that he was better.

But, was he? NO! He was worse than the others. He lied. I was a game to him. He just used me to prove a point. I loved him and he was using me. I have him chance after chance. He cheated on me at least twice (possibly 3 times). I loved him and I was a game. And now my heart is broken. Can it ever be put back together again? No. He didn't want me.

SEX. That's all they ever want. They want sex and they want to prove me wrong.

Perhaps the most painful part of this fucked up story that is my life is a girl. The one person I have entrusted everything to. I told her every single secret; every single weakness. But, I have crossed the lines of our friendship and now I have lost her.

Why have I lost her? Because she loves her family more. That's the way it should be, but still I miss my friend. I miss the woman who would threaten to kill for me, who would threaten to maim for me; who would threaten to dismemeber for me. I crossed the line. I fell for her favorite and when he turned his back on me so did she.

What do I do now? I have lost everything: the man I love, the woman who was my best friend.

What does one do when she looses everything? Who does she turn to when there is no one? What is there left but a shattered heart that has been torn so many times it's impossible to put back together again?

My first love was innocent and pure. The second was urgent and passionate, but couldn't last; constantly stopping and starting. The thrid was pure and real and lasting. But, this last love took away everything that ever mattered: hope, faith, love, and strength.

Now there is nothing left. I only have pieces. I gave myself and they were reckless with my gift. One took my trust and completely destroyed it. One kept what I gave him, and never returned it. The other took what was left, stomped on it and gave me the pieces that were left without any thought as to what I may feel or think.

How could I have been so stupid as to think he would love me? He said he did, but it was all a lie. How could I have believed him?

What's next? A life of loneliness. I have loved and I have lost. But, was it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? The answer is no. It hurts too much. I would rather be without love for all of eternity than to know that a broken heart can never be mended. There was a time when I thought "this is the one, this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with." But, he destroyed those dreams with his games. Once upon a time I thought there was someone for everyone. but, each experience has left me distrusting and doubting. I kept tyring, but I was a fool. Love is an illusion. It will never be realized . . . it will never be returned . . . what was I thinking?

Finally

How long have I wanted to say exactly what I feel without the reprecussions of how my words may effect others. Or, how I may feel on actually hearing them spoken out loud.

The first thing I want to say is: God, I miss him so much. There. I've been dying to say that for months but couldn't. Couldn't? Wouldn't? Both. I'm so tired of the "looks" of the "how are you really?" Of the "it's better now than later." Yeah, I get that people care, but sometimes it just makes it worse. So, what did I do? Pretended I was just fine and already over it.

When in actuallity I've been dying inside. Yes, the pain has lessoned but it's still there.

Another thing I've been wanting to say but feel it needs a disclaimer. I am not saying this b/c I want sympathy or anything like that. Also, I know it's wrong and definately needs psychological treatment. I'm working on it.

I'm a cutter. Why? B/c it's such a release. I can look at a certain part of my body and say, "Yes. That right there is why I'm hurting. How can I not be in pain when I have cuts like this?" Do you remember reading books and seeing movies when long ago doctors would "bleed" people to get the poison out? That's what it's like. As I see the blood leave my body I can actually feel all the craziness, the pain, the confusion, the anger, the sorrow leaving my body.

I've heard people talk about how crazy cutters are. About how unbalanced and unhinged they are. Well, some of that may be true, but maybe it's about trying to become "balanced" and "hinged". Maybe it's about loosing the craziness.

In a way my scars are like battle scars. Let me tell you all I've been through. Let me show you my scars. But guess what.....I'm still here.

Wow, it does feel good to get that out!