How long have I wanted to say exactly what I feel without the reprecussions of how my words may effect others. Or, how I may feel on actually hearing them spoken out loud.
The first thing I want to say is: God, I miss him so much. There. I've been dying to say that for months but couldn't. Couldn't? Wouldn't? Both. I'm so tired of the "looks" of the "how are you really?" Of the "it's better now than later." Yeah, I get that people care, but sometimes it just makes it worse. So, what did I do? Pretended I was just fine and already over it.
When in actuallity I've been dying inside. Yes, the pain has lessoned but it's still there.
Another thing I've been wanting to say but feel it needs a disclaimer. I am not saying this b/c I want sympathy or anything like that. Also, I know it's wrong and definately needs psychological treatment. I'm working on it.
I'm a cutter. Why? B/c it's such a release. I can look at a certain part of my body and say, "Yes. That right there is why I'm hurting. How can I not be in pain when I have cuts like this?" Do you remember reading books and seeing movies when long ago doctors would "bleed" people to get the poison out? That's what it's like. As I see the blood leave my body I can actually feel all the craziness, the pain, the confusion, the anger, the sorrow leaving my body.
I've heard people talk about how crazy cutters are. About how unbalanced and unhinged they are. Well, some of that may be true, but maybe it's about trying to become "balanced" and "hinged". Maybe it's about loosing the craziness.
In a way my scars are like battle scars. Let me tell you all I've been through. Let me show you my scars. But guess what.....I'm still here.
Wow, it does feel good to get that out!
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