All in the Family

Once there was a family who captivated me. They forgave EVERYTHING. Betrayal, theft, lies, abuse of every kind. They always forgave and I was entranced by their abnormal normalness. They were so accepting of everyone but me. Because I was not part of them, they could not (would not) forgive me my weaknesses. I wanted so badly to be a part of them.
I tried so hard to become part of them, but every oppurtunity just left me looking more and more like a joke.

I dated their son. He was a crisis and I embraced him; and he didn't want me.

Then, there was a cousin. I loved him completely but he threw my love back in my face. My love for him was urgent and unrelenting. I gave him all. I was ready to give up the most important part of myself and still he didn't want me. I was ready to give up my whole life for him. What did he do? He threw it all in my face; he didn't want me.

Thern there was the brother. But he only saw me as a game. Someone to conqueor. He was upset that I had been with his family. He wanted to prove that he was better.

But, was he? NO! He was worse than the others. He lied. I was a game to him. He just used me to prove a point. I loved him and he was using me. I have him chance after chance. He cheated on me at least twice (possibly 3 times). I loved him and I was a game. And now my heart is broken. Can it ever be put back together again? No. He didn't want me.

SEX. That's all they ever want. They want sex and they want to prove me wrong.

Perhaps the most painful part of this fucked up story that is my life is a girl. The one person I have entrusted everything to. I told her every single secret; every single weakness. But, I have crossed the lines of our friendship and now I have lost her.

Why have I lost her? Because she loves her family more. That's the way it should be, but still I miss my friend. I miss the woman who would threaten to kill for me, who would threaten to maim for me; who would threaten to dismemeber for me. I crossed the line. I fell for her favorite and when he turned his back on me so did she.

What do I do now? I have lost everything: the man I love, the woman who was my best friend.

What does one do when she looses everything? Who does she turn to when there is no one? What is there left but a shattered heart that has been torn so many times it's impossible to put back together again?

My first love was innocent and pure. The second was urgent and passionate, but couldn't last; constantly stopping and starting. The thrid was pure and real and lasting. But, this last love took away everything that ever mattered: hope, faith, love, and strength.

Now there is nothing left. I only have pieces. I gave myself and they were reckless with my gift. One took my trust and completely destroyed it. One kept what I gave him, and never returned it. The other took what was left, stomped on it and gave me the pieces that were left without any thought as to what I may feel or think.

How could I have been so stupid as to think he would love me? He said he did, but it was all a lie. How could I have believed him?

What's next? A life of loneliness. I have loved and I have lost. But, was it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? The answer is no. It hurts too much. I would rather be without love for all of eternity than to know that a broken heart can never be mended. There was a time when I thought "this is the one, this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with." But, he destroyed those dreams with his games. Once upon a time I thought there was someone for everyone. but, each experience has left me distrusting and doubting. I kept tyring, but I was a fool. Love is an illusion. It will never be realized . . . it will never be returned . . . what was I thinking?