I love him. I do. But, I'm soooo afraid! Afraid of the past and of the future. Will the past become the future? If not, what will the future be? Its terrifying eitehr way. Do I tell him that's why I've been a bitch the last couple of days? Do I try to explain that I'm afraid of him leaving me? Do I show all of my insecurities and vulneralbilities (I know that's spelled wrong)?
I've tried to tell him that I'm crazy....he didn't believe me. Yesterday I wanted to call my sister. She's been dead for 10 years. That was probably part of my bitchy mood.
His exgirlfriend called him. Is he going to call her back? Does he miss her? Does he wish he were still with her? Do I have the right to ask him these things?
She moved and I don't know how to be normal without her telling me how to do things. I don't know how to deal with problems without her walking me through them. I don't know how not to lose my mind without her telling me it'll be ok. How am I supposed to get through this without her? Maybe it's time to grow the fuck up.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Rerun
Girl meets boy...boy likes girl...girl likes boy...boy asks girl out...girl says yes...girl starts to fall for boy...boy blows off girl.
Big surprise.
Big surprise.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Normal
I'm just like any girl you know......just someone who wants to be loved. My story isn't different from anyone else's. No sadder, no more disappointing; just the same as every other girl you know.
I just want someone to look at me and say, "This is the woman I can't live without. This is the woman I want to grow old with. This is the one who touches me like no other." What's so wrong abut that? What's so wrong with wanting to share things with someone? Love, a home, children, struggles and joys.
They all say I'm the sweetest person they know. They sya they love how I take care of people who are close to me. But they never want to be the one I take care of. They don't want to be the one I love and share with.
So, what can I do but assume that they are lying? That they really don't care one way or the other. I try. I try to be normal. I try to do things right but sometimes I mess up. Should one mistake be the reason for a destroyed life. I know you think that's dramatic. That I'm exaggerating......but it really does feel as though my life has been destroyed by people I chose to love.
One ex tells me he wouldn't help me out with some recreational substances b/c he didn't want to be the reason I went down. Well, why wans't he thinking of that when he was screwing everyone but me? I love you. I really do. Then, 2 weeks later he's dumping me for some other whore. So, of course he was lying that day on my porch when he professed to need me, to love me, to be with me forever. But not even a year later I'm the most amazing person he knows? How does that work?
Why do I even bother? Because I
I just want someone to look at me and say, "This is the woman I can't live without. This is the woman I want to grow old with. This is the one who touches me like no other." What's so wrong abut that? What's so wrong with wanting to share things with someone? Love, a home, children, struggles and joys.
They all say I'm the sweetest person they know. They sya they love how I take care of people who are close to me. But they never want to be the one I take care of. They don't want to be the one I love and share with.
So, what can I do but assume that they are lying? That they really don't care one way or the other. I try. I try to be normal. I try to do things right but sometimes I mess up. Should one mistake be the reason for a destroyed life. I know you think that's dramatic. That I'm exaggerating......but it really does feel as though my life has been destroyed by people I chose to love.
One ex tells me he wouldn't help me out with some recreational substances b/c he didn't want to be the reason I went down. Well, why wans't he thinking of that when he was screwing everyone but me? I love you. I really do. Then, 2 weeks later he's dumping me for some other whore. So, of course he was lying that day on my porch when he professed to need me, to love me, to be with me forever. But not even a year later I'm the most amazing person he knows? How does that work?
Why do I even bother? Because I
Deja vu
There I am in the store debating whether or not to rent "The Ghost of Girlfriends Past" when who do I see but a boyfriend of my past. There he is all tall and handsome and charming as always. He flashes me that smile that always melted me and I hate myself. This man played with me like no one else and my knees still go weak when he turns on that 1000 watt smile.
Is this the fiance who dumped me, you ask? Nope, someone else; sad isn't it? But, hey, the sex was great so what's the harm in a little fun? We'll see what happens.
All of my past boyfriends have hurt me but all in different ways. This one....we'll call him B....strung me along while he was also seeing one or two otehr people. I finally got wise and dumped him. He floundered only for a minute and then found someone to replace me...it really didn't take that long. And it hurt like hell. I didn't love him, but it would have been so easy too. He really is an asshole and I don't feel sorry for the horrible predictament he's in now, but it was good to see him. And damn, he is handsome! I think he's seeing someone right now, but since he has no morals, it shouldn't be hard to get him to go out with me tonight for a little remembering.
And so goes the dessent back into my old bad habits. Flitting from one guy to another and then back again.....strings of one night stands....flirting with drugs....having fun and then hating myself. It's a vicisous cycle that goes round and round until I find someone to stop me. No wonder I never have healthy relationships. But, hey, that's the life of a crazy person, right? Besides I need some excitement in my life. I am waaaay too boring, when I know that I can be oh so cool!
As he's telling me all about his recent troubles i tilt my head and say, "You don't really expect me to feel sorry for you....do you?" His respose? A kiss on the cheek that a little too close to the mouth and says, "You know I love you." Tonight should be fun!
Is this the fiance who dumped me, you ask? Nope, someone else; sad isn't it? But, hey, the sex was great so what's the harm in a little fun? We'll see what happens.
All of my past boyfriends have hurt me but all in different ways. This one....we'll call him B....strung me along while he was also seeing one or two otehr people. I finally got wise and dumped him. He floundered only for a minute and then found someone to replace me...it really didn't take that long. And it hurt like hell. I didn't love him, but it would have been so easy too. He really is an asshole and I don't feel sorry for the horrible predictament he's in now, but it was good to see him. And damn, he is handsome! I think he's seeing someone right now, but since he has no morals, it shouldn't be hard to get him to go out with me tonight for a little remembering.
And so goes the dessent back into my old bad habits. Flitting from one guy to another and then back again.....strings of one night stands....flirting with drugs....having fun and then hating myself. It's a vicisous cycle that goes round and round until I find someone to stop me. No wonder I never have healthy relationships. But, hey, that's the life of a crazy person, right? Besides I need some excitement in my life. I am waaaay too boring, when I know that I can be oh so cool!
As he's telling me all about his recent troubles i tilt my head and say, "You don't really expect me to feel sorry for you....do you?" His respose? A kiss on the cheek that a little too close to the mouth and says, "You know I love you." Tonight should be fun!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Crazy
I do believe I'm losing my mind. Social situations send me into anxiety attacks. Friends wanting to hang out scares me more than I can explain. What's wrong with me?
I was normal...for the first time in my life I was as normal as anyone can be but he ruined all of that.
I don't even know what to think. There are so many thoughts running through my head that I can't discern a single one. Then, at times my mind is completely blank and I cant form a coherent thought. What's wrong with me?
God, just let it be over. I'm not much for reading the Bible anymore, but I do remember one passage; it talks about the the Spirit understanding the heart even when words can't express the pain. That's what I fee like most days; I'm in so much pain that I can't even describe it. I can't talk about it. I can't let it out. If I do, it may never end. Someone told me I wasn't Superman, that of course it hurt and I could show it, I could cry. But, she doesn't understand that I can't. She doesn't know what it will do to me. I'm so afraid.
I was normal...for the first time in my life I was as normal as anyone can be but he ruined all of that.
I don't even know what to think. There are so many thoughts running through my head that I can't discern a single one. Then, at times my mind is completely blank and I cant form a coherent thought. What's wrong with me?
God, just let it be over. I'm not much for reading the Bible anymore, but I do remember one passage; it talks about the the Spirit understanding the heart even when words can't express the pain. That's what I fee like most days; I'm in so much pain that I can't even describe it. I can't talk about it. I can't let it out. If I do, it may never end. Someone told me I wasn't Superman, that of course it hurt and I could show it, I could cry. But, she doesn't understand that I can't. She doesn't know what it will do to me. I'm so afraid.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Out
I WANT OUT...........
Out of this house
Out of this life
Out of this job
Out of this state
Out of this family
Out of this depression
................................
Out of myself
Out of this house
Out of this life
Out of this job
Out of this state
Out of this family
Out of this depression
................................
Out of myself
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